Two types of eye contact: none and fuck you.

Seeing a dead rat frozen in the alley and thinking, ‘missing youuuuuuu.’

Locking yourself in your head until you become a small weak thing that you let back out into the world to try and survive, and if it survives it’s better, and you lock it back up.

Inhaling all the oxygen in the world and staring out blink-less as everything drops dead.

Moving aimlessly in directions that if seen from above would spell out ‘don’t help me.’

Some of that ‘every day is one long moment of feeling like I’m tipping over backwards’ shit.

Viewing most days as ‘light tours of death.’

The moment when you start to notice every thought you have is begun by one person and randomly ended by another and you don’t like either of them.

And that neither of them want to know you.

And that you just can never quite hit yourself hard enough.

Living as three people: one inside your head saying hateful/depressed/hopeless shit, another as the one inside your head trying to deal with the first one, and the third one as visible to the outside world, trying to keep people from noticing any trace of the first two.

That moment when you start to have a little feeling/emotion and you look back on having just acted out of not having any feelings/emotions.

That weird moment.

That moment when you don’t have any feelings/emotions and you look back on having just acted out of having feelings/emotions.

That weird weird moment. When my bush smells like your bush, I own you and you own me and that’s the end of everything.

Sleepover at your grave.

Head-butting through your coffin just to spit on you.

After-party for the firing squad.

Losing your balance and falling over at the prospect of five more seconds.

The opposite of marriage to everyone in all interactions, all the time.

Breaking into a random house and making a lot of sandwiches and leaving them on a plate for whoever lives there to find.

That deep down, ‘wish I was cut up in pieces in a dumpster’ type of doom.

Depression like all there is inside your skull is melted plastic.

Depression like, man, if only you had melted plastic in your skull then it’d be ok that that’s how you felt all the time because it’d be true.

That feeling you already read/saw all the various endings in your own life and are now just going through it without any surprise of any kind because something about something something something.

Feeling like you’re joking about everything you do but the fact that you keep doing it is very serious.

Involuntarily clamping down your jaw all day and you’re not sure if it’s to keep your mouth shut, fight off tears, or eat your own head.

Thanking the firing squad.

The feeling of worrying about something coming to get you when you’re younger versus knowing nothing will come to get you when you’re older.

Smiling/laughing more not out of joy but out of a feeling like, ‘Yeah, fuck this.’

The feeling that everything you do is doomed in a way that might not seem obvious at the moment but is always leading to one last moment of doom where you finally admit that there is nothing to be done and never was and you have been defeated and absolutely shitted on and the only thing you ever liked about yourself was that yeah you were stupid enough to think you were being brave in trying.